An Open Letter to the Guy Who Thinks He Can Fix My Life in Five Minutes

Thank you so much. When you asked if you could talk to me privately for a few minutes at that party, I totally didn’t know that you wanted to lecture me about my health. That was so unexpected and appreciated. It’s certainly not as though there’s been some version of you ever-present in my life. Uncles, friends’ dads, total strangers who “used to be [my] size.” So thank you; thank you so much.

As you know, part of your duty as a fit and healthy person is to remind unfit people that they are unhealthy and in need of your help. When you do this, don’t forget to say something patronizing about how you “want to keep them around for a long time.” It’ll really make them feel good about themselves, showing how much you care by insinuating that you’re going to outlive them. Be sure to mention how easy it is, how it’s just a simple combination of diet and exercise. That’s probably not something they’ve ever tried before, so there’s no need to consider whether it’s insulting to assume they don’t already know it. What’s that? No soda? Shouldn’t eat carbs? No kidding.

I’m not sure what the world would do without the Guy Who Thinks He Can Fix Our Lives in Five Minutes. Overweight people would simply go about their day, blissfully unaware that they are disgusting and probably going to die soon. Women might walk down the street without realizing that they are dressed like sluts. Coworkers might have to do their jobs normally, without a helpful mansplainer nearby to constantly watch over their shoulder. Wherever you go, you’re just making sure that the people around you can benefit from your expertise. And for that, on behalf of all of us, I salute you.

Something’s Unraveling, Alright

Jolie O’Dell at VentureBeat: Apple’s press conference showed a brand unraveling

While today’s Apple event unveiled a couple new improvements to an expected lineup of products, it also revealed a certain sloppiness that was absent from former, Steve Jobs-led launches.

[…] I think today’s Apple event shows that perfectionism fraying a bit around the edges. The bad pun, the goofy logo, the weird product name — all of it pointed to a leadership that either didn’t understand or didn’t care about consistency in iconography.

Obviously O’Dell is right — Tim Cook is failing to hold Apple to the high standards that Steve Jobs set for the company. Steve Jobs’s Apple never would have used an ambiguous product name like “The new iPad.”

Steve Jobs’s Apple never would have used a silly pun to announce a major new product.

And there’s no way Steve Jobs’s Apple ever would have used some weird special effects on the Apple logo.

Up until now I thought Tim Cook had done a pretty amazing job of taking over as CEO of the most successful company on the planet, but that VentureBeat article has really cast some seeds of doubt in my mind.